Texas is out. Canada is in.

I know that you typically get three strikes before you’re out in baseball and the criminal justice system, but in certain cases, like the state of Texas, I think two strikes are MORE than enough chances.

Unlike Delaware, Texas won’t be the FIRST state that I eliminate from the Union when I take over the world, but it is on the list.


Why not?

Seriously though, Texas has had two strikes SO offensive that it no longer deserves statehood.

The first is obviously the Dallas Cowboys. The Cowboys are a team that you either love or hate. There is no ambivalence there. It’s not like the Jets or the Colts, whom I can’t be bothered to either like or dislike. Everyone who is not a Cowboys fan HATES them with a passion so intense that it makes their love for their own teams seem insignificant.

Now, in a sense, this is actually a good thing. Because hating the Cowboys is a hugely unifying factor that easily bridges racial, gender, political, and religious divides. But the people who call them “America’s Team,” are such a divisive element in our society that they are causing a rift in the entire country. I think there would be less animosity in our country overall if the Cowboys just weren’t part of it.

The second strike is equally obvious and shockingly even MORE offensive than the Cowboys.

In fact, it’s so notorious that you only need one letter of the alphabet to identify the second strike.


Do I really need to explain this one? He royally screwed up our country, may not have won legitimately in the first place, got us involved in this ridiculous situation in Iraq (which had NOTHING to do with 9/11, no matter how many connections he tried to draw there), and left the economy in shambles Louis XIV style, then left his replacement to be blamed for the mess when the deluge eventually came. Look it up. Louis XIV knew France was messed up, and he knew the kings after him were going to be in trouble. But he knew his system would hold out until he was gone, so he didn’t care. (Thanks Mr. Y.) Hmmm… which of our leaders does THAT sound like?

And technically, I think you could argue that George W. Bush was actually the state’s third strike, because JFK was assassinated in Texas too.

I see no reason to give Texas another strike. It’s time to call them out NOW.

But, like I did with Delaware, I have a solution to this problem. No need to change a flag or anything like that.

We’ll cut them out of the United States and replace them with Canada. Texas can form its own country or join Mexico. (If Mexico will have them. Which they probably won’t after all the fuss Texas has made about trying to keep Mexicans out of their state. I mean, I wouldn’t want Texas if I were Mexico. I don’t even want them in my country now.)  And if Mexico DOES take Texas in, they could be called Texaco.  They’d even get corporate sponsorship.  It’s perfect.

Canada is much nicer than Texas. No gun control issues up there. Marijuana laws that make California look strict. Universal healthcare that works. Canada brings a lot more to the table than Texas ever did.

But Sara, Canada is its own country, Canada doesn’t WANT to join the US.

Too bad. I’ve already claimed it. When I take over, it’s a done deal.

Besides, it’s not REALLY its own country. Like it’s KINDA its own country, but they still consider themselves loyal to the British monarchy. How independent can they really be? Plus they aren’t exactly known as a military force.

Sorry Canada, but you’d surrender to us faster than the French in a World War—which is hard to do.

And the British aren’t going to be able to help you. They may be America’s oldest enemy, but that doesn’t mean they’d take us to save you.

But again, because I’m a fair and responsible ruler of the world, I will take the parts of Canadian government that work well and incorporate them into US law.

See? Everyone wins. And then we can all work on fighting our common enemy together.


 It’s going to be awesome when I rule the world.