Say goodbye to Delaware when I rule the world!

When I rule the world, there are going to be a lot of changes.

First of all, driving tests are going to be MUCH more difficult to pass. Those idiots out on the road will be taking the bus when I’m in charge.

It will be legal, and in fact, encouraged to hit bicyclists who are stupid enough to ride AGAINST traffic. We don’t want that kind of idiocy in our gene pool in the future.

Dan Snyder will be exiled. From the planet.

And Delaware will no longer be allowed to be a state.

Why the Delaware hate, you may ask? I mean, it DOES have no sales tax, which an inveterate shopper like me appreciates. But it has NO other redeeming qualities. None. I don’t care that it was one of the original 13 states. It has to go. (No offense Joe Biden. I like you and all. But your state sucks.)

My main problem with Delaware comes from the stretch of I95 that you are forced to pass through on your way to Pennsylvania or New Jersey from the DC area. That is the single worst stretch of road in the entire country. I would rather drive through Anacostia with a Confederate flag on my car than drive through Delaware. (Not that I’d ever do that—not because I’m afraid, but because it’s just wrong. People with those flags on their cars aren’t going to last long when I’m running the show either.)

Delaware problem #1: the speed limit drops in Delaware.

You’re cruising along in Maryland, going a reasonable highway speed of 65 miles per hour, when BAM! You’re in Delaware, the speed limit is 55, and there’s a cop there to issue you a ticket the second you cross the state line going 55.00001 miles per hour.

 That’s why they have no sales tax; they make all the money they need from those tickets! And there’s no REASON for the speed limit to drop because of problem #2.

Problem #2: There’s ALWAYS traffic in Delaware.

The second you cross the state line, you’re immediately brought to a stop, which lasts for about six hours (time is approximate based on how long it feels like when you’re sitting in Delaware traffic—it’s longer than a Springsteen show!). When traffic eventually begins to move, it’s so slow that snails appear to be zooming by you. This is the result of problems #3 and #4.

Problem #3: You have to pay two freaking tolls if you’re going to Jersey.

You have to pay to get into the state, and you have to pay to leave the state. WTF man? Those two tolls are like less than ten miles apart! I mean, I’d gladly pay to get OUT of Delaware, but to get into it too? That’s the biggest ripoff since Linkin Park put out that damn “Reanimation” cd, which was the SAME EXACT THING as Hybrid Theory, thereby forcing fans to pay for it twice. I didn’t stay a fan after that. And Delaware is the same way. Fine, you want to make more money off of me? Charge me more at the toll booth at the state line, but don’t make me stop for TWO toll booths! Uncool Delaware, uncool.

And finally, Problem #4: There is ALWAYS roadwork.

Really? Do you REALLY need that much roadwork? Really? The highway just isn’t that long in Delaware. How is there ALWAYS construction? But here’s the fishy part: I’ve driven that stretch of road hundreds of times, and I’ve NEVER seen a single person working on it. Ever. What are all those toll and ticket dollars going toward if there’s no one working on the road? Am I just paying for the equipment to block off a lane of traffic in each direction without anything happening? Because that just makes me hate you more as a state.

I’m fair, so I’ll give Delaware a chance to shape up before I completely destroy the state. They’ll have 30 days from the time I take over the world to raise the speed limit, make the cops stop being such jerks about being an infinitesimal amount over the speed limit, get rid of the extra toll booth, and finish all the construction. If they can do all of these things within the set amount of time, I will consider letting them stay in the Union.

But don’t hold your breath on any of that happening.

Luckily, I have a solution all planned out for when Delaware is abolished. First, we will split the land between Maryland and Pennsylvania. The University of Delaware will be incorporated into the University of Maryland system (because it’s a mile from the Maryland border now, it’s practically in Maryland as it is). Maryland will get the beaches, and the area south of the rest stop, Pennsylvania can have everything else. That way we keep a little bit of a buffer between Maryland and New Jersey, because (and I hate to admit this, because I DO love New Jersey) Jersey sometimes smells bad. Pennsylvania already touches Jersey, so they’re used to it. Maryland doesn’t and isn’t.

 Next, we’ll take Delaware’s votes in Congress and give them to DC. That way DC can stop whining about taxation without representation. And Delaware is small, so the votes will approximately even out (and any votes that don’t even out can go with their corresponding territory into Maryland or Pennsylvania. That way everyone still has a voice in the government.)

See? I’m a fair Empress of the Whole World.

Everybody wins.

And if anyone doesn’t like it, tough. After all, I’m the one ruling the world. If you rule the world, you can decide which states stay and which states go. But you won’t be ruling the world. Because I will.

Although I DO have to say, the new Delaware rest stop is pretty freaking nice. Except that it’s in Delaware. So I’m going to claim that for Maryland when I divide up the state.