I missed my true calling: Disney tombstone writer

I think I missed my calling in life.

Now okay, there are several things that I would be totally kickass at (other than teaching). For example, someday I’m going to start my own makeup line. And I do make the world’s BEST chocolate chip cookies. Yes, they’re better than your grandma’s. No, you can’t have the recipe. It’s a secret. I’m really good at gluing rhinestones on stuff (you should see my Bluetooth headset!), and I could easily teach college courses on the Simpsons and/or Bruce Springsteen.

But none of those are truly my calling in life.

Are you ready for it?

I should write the tombstones outside the Haunted Mansion at Disney World.

 Everyone who knows me knows that I LOVE Disney World. I would happily live there. When I’m having a bad day, I always say that I’m going to run away to Disney World and become Belle, or else dye my hair red and be Ariel. And I’m really not kidding. I would love to do that.

The last time I was there, my friends and I spent a whole day (yes, I’m a grown woman who goes to Disney World with her friends and no children. Deal with it.) running around trying to find a suitable Prince Charming to get a picture with. We wanted a shot of him proposing to us. But we learned a sad, sad lesson that day. The guys playing Prince Charming at Disney World are about 12 years old. That and Sleeping Beauty can kinda be a bitch when you want to pose with her man. And Captain Hook is a dirty old man. I’m serious. I was molested. I feel really bad for Peter Pan and all the lost boys after that experience.

The Haunted Mansion has always been one of my favorite rides. Even after it broke down one time and I was stuck in the room with the crystal ball with the chick’s head in it for about half an hour. And even after the time when my dad explained how they do the ghosts that are dancing in the ballroom. He’s a physics professor. He spoils everything magical. But nothing can spoil Disney World for me. Nothing.

I discovered my calling for writing Haunted Mansion tombstones thanks to my brother. Adam said something about Walt Disney being cryogenically frozen. Being the expert on all things Disney, I felt the need to inform him that this wasn’t true.

He didn’t believe me.

So I called upon the greatest website of all time, Snopes.com to prove my point. But somehow Adam still didn’t believe me, despite the fact that I pulled up a picture of Walt Disney’s grave, his death certificate, his will, and a map of the cemetery where he is buried. All from my phone. I love technology.

“Of course he has a grave,” Adam insisted. “They only froze his head.”

“Really?” I sniped back. “What does his tombstone say? Here lies Walt, good and dead. Everything’s here, except his head?”

My family exploded in laughter. Not at me, for once. With me. I think.

This was when I realized that I’d missed my one true calling.

The tombstones they have now are pretty good.

 But they’ve had the same ones since Disney World opened. That was before I was born. It’s time for some new ones.

Here are my suggestions:

(See? It even has a message!)

(Disney would never go for this. But come on, it’s powerful!)

(Too soon?)

And my personal favorite:

(Okay, Disney wouldn’t want to get that controversial. But I love it anyway!)

Yes, I had way too much fun with these. But that’s why it would be my dream job. Anyone have any good ones that I missed?