I know I said in an earlier posting that the worst kind of football fans are the bandwagon fans (particularly the girls who like the Ravens because they have purple jerseys), but I was wrong. There is a group worse than the bandwagon fans.
This particular sick, twisted, unholy contingent deserves to be wiped from the face of the earth. Or at the very least, shut up in a cave somewhere until football season ends.
I’m talking about the DC area Cowboys fans.
We all know some of them. And they are the lowest of the low. There is nothing worse than someone who lives in DC and supports our mortal enemy. It would be like a University of Maryland student liking Duke. There’s just something unnatural and wrong about anyone who would do that.
Now, there is ONE exception to this rule: if you are actually FROM Dallas, then I have no issue with you. You’re allowed to like the Cowboys in that one case. I’ll still hate your guts, but not QUITE as much as I hate the native Washingtonians who like the Cowboys.
I have several theories on how this group of people, to be known from here on out as Jackass Traitors*, came to exist.
*I’m only calling them Jackass Traitors on the blog to be polite. What I REALLY call them probably should not appear in print.
Theory number 1: These sad, pathetic individuals received no love from their parents in childhood, and therefore, like children who act up in school, never learned the difference between bad attention and good attention. So by becoming fans of the Devil’s Team (I don’t care what anyone says, they’re NOT “America’s Team.” If you believe that, the Taliban wins.), they get attention from people around them. True, it’s in the form of hatred and scorn, but it’s still attention.
Theory number 2: They were dropped on their heads as babies. Sad. But it would explain it.
Theory number 3: They are part of a covert terrorist operation designed to cause chaos and unrest in our nation’s capital. Think about it. It makes a lot of sense. Al Qaida plants a few hundred Cowboy “fans” in the DC area, then sits back and laughs as we focus our attention on trying to destroy them instead of paying attention to whatever terrorist plot is going on in the Middle East. You hear that Bin Laden? I’m onto you!
Theory number 4: They have no souls. Like ginger kids. If you have no soul, then you have no reason to be loyal to your home team.
I’m not sure which reason is responsible for the Jackass Traitors who seek to destroy the unity of the DC area, but what I DO know is that when I see those blue jerseys with that stupid star on them in my hometown, I’m filled with a murderous rage. And I know I’m not the only one.
So as the first game of the season approaches, all of you DC area Cowboys fans should be warned: if any of you jerks are wearing Cowboys jerseys tomorrow, it’s going to look like a scene out of 28 Days Later. Because the rest of my fellow Redskins fans and I WILL have the rage virus if we have to look at that.