There is NOTHING worse than a Washingtonian who likes the Cowboys. NOTHING.

I know I said in an earlier posting that the worst kind of football fans are the bandwagon fans (particularly the girls who like the Ravens because they have purple jerseys), but I was wrong. There is a group worse than the bandwagon fans.

This particular sick, twisted, unholy contingent deserves to be wiped from the face of the earth. Or at the very least, shut up in a cave somewhere until football season ends.

Yes.

I’m talking about the DC area Cowboys fans.

We all know some of them. And they are the lowest of the low. There is nothing worse than someone who lives in DC and supports our mortal enemy. It would be like a University of Maryland student liking Duke. There’s just something unnatural and wrong about anyone who would do that.

Now, there is ONE exception to this rule: if you are actually FROM Dallas, then I have no issue with you. You’re allowed to like the Cowboys in that one case. I’ll still hate your guts, but not QUITE as much as I hate the native Washingtonians who like the Cowboys.

I have several theories on how this group of people, to be known from here on out as Jackass Traitors*, came to exist.

*I’m only calling them Jackass Traitors on the blog to be polite. What I REALLY call them probably should not appear in print.

Theory number 1: These sad, pathetic individuals received no love from their parents in childhood, and therefore, like children who act up in school, never learned the difference between bad attention and good attention. So by becoming fans of the Devil’s Team (I don’t care what anyone says, they’re NOT “America’s Team.” If you believe that, the Taliban wins.), they get attention from people around them. True, it’s in the form of hatred and scorn, but it’s still attention. 

Theory number 2: They were dropped on their heads as babies. Sad. But it would explain it.

Theory number 3: They are part of a covert terrorist operation designed to cause chaos and unrest in our nation’s capital. Think about it. It makes a lot of sense. Al Qaida plants a few hundred Cowboy “fans” in the DC area, then sits back and laughs as we focus our attention on trying to destroy them instead of paying attention to whatever terrorist plot is going on in the Middle East. You hear that Bin Laden? I’m onto you!

Theory number 4: They have no souls. Like ginger kids. If you have no soul, then you have no reason to be loyal to your home team.

I’m not sure which reason is responsible for the Jackass Traitors who seek to destroy the unity of the DC area, but what I DO know is that when I see those blue jerseys with that stupid star on them in my hometown, I’m filled with a murderous rage. And I know I’m not the only one.

So as the first game of the season approaches, all of you DC area Cowboys fans should be warned: if any of you jerks are wearing Cowboys jerseys tomorrow, it’s going to look like a scene out of 28 Days Later. Because the rest of my fellow Redskins fans and I WILL have the rage virus if we have to look at that.

Go Skins!

I bleed burgundy and gold… even though we suck

I am a Redskins fan.

Go ahead. Laugh. I can take it.

I know. The Lions beat us last year. The Lions.

Are you done laughing and mocking me yet?

I’ll wait.

Okay, to get back to what I was saying, I am a Redskins fan.

I can’t help it, and I don’t want to. I’ve been a ‘Skins fan since before I was born, and I’m pretty sure that I’ll continue to be one after I die. (Unless some other team takes a page from the Book of Mormon and start converting the dead, in which case I want it stated on my tombstone that I was born and died a Redskins fan.)

My dad has been a season-ticket holder since 1963. And I’m pretty sure that the number of games he’s missed since then is lower than his shoe size. The soundtrack of my childhood was filled with my father screaming loud enough for the whole neighborhood to hear him, either in warrior-like pride or a murderous rage, depending on how our team was doing. It was never necessary to ask what had happened in the games that were played past my bedtime; my father’s howling was a more descriptive commentary than anything that any former players could ever provide. (And it was also the source of most of the colorful language that I now use while stuck in traffic. Thanks dad!)

When I was in high school, my father sat me down for a serious talk. I immediately assumed that I was in deep trouble. He invited me to sit on the white living room sofa, which my brother and I were ONLY ever allowed to sit on when we were about to be murdered over something we had done, or when we were being told that someone had died. To this day, I’m scared to sit on those sofas.

That time though, I wasn’t in trouble and no one was dead. My dad said the following to me:

“You can marry someone who’s not Jewish. I won’t be thrilled, but I will understand. You can marry a Republican. I’ll have nothing to say to him, but I will understand. But if you marry a Cowboys fan, you’re out of the family, and you’re dead to us. We’ll sit shivah for you, and it’s over.”

And because I was on the white sofa, I knew that he meant business.

He later proved his point when I brought home a boyfriend who was a Republican Baptist. He loved the Redskins though, so my dad had no problem with him.

As a lifelong ‘Skins fan, there are several groups of people whom I hate more than anything else in the world. Literally. Like on the level that I hate Osama Bin Laden and George W. Bush.

All other Redskins fans already know what three of these things are: The Cowboys, the Giants, and the Eagles. And even more than the teams themselves, their fans.

I’m not going to go too far into the rivalry there (partially because I don’t have much that I CAN say until we have a better season than last season), because I have discovered a group of people that I hate if not MORE than the Cowboys, then at least as much.

The bandwagon fans.

Is there anything worse on this planet (other than Dan Snyder) than people who only like a team when they’re winning? This is the ultimate hypocrisy. Think about it, do you stop loving your child because he wets the bed? Do you stop loving your puppy because she ate your favorite shoe? If I can say no to that last one (and unfortunately, I know from experience that I can), then no REAL fan can stop loving his or her team because they lost a few games. Even if one of those games was to the freaking Lions.

As a Marylander though, I have a particular group of bandwagon fans who make me the most angry: Ravens fans.

If you live in Baltimore, are old enough to have been upset when the Colts left for Indiana, or are young enough to have never been a Redskins fan, then I have no problem with you. You are entitled to like the Ravens. Enjoy your purple jerseys.

If, however, you were a Redskins fan until the Ravens won the Superbowl and then switched your allegiance, you will be forever banned from watching any sporting event when I rule the world. (I also plan to get rid of Delaware entirely when I rule the world. But I’ll explain that plan another time.)

There’s only one group of Ravens fans though who are worse than the former-Redskins fans: the girls who wear Ravens gear because they like the purple jerseys. I hate to break it to you ladies, but that doesn’t impress your boyfriend even though you’re wearing a football jersey. It makes you look like an idiot. Man up, pick a team, and stick with them till the bitter end.

That’s what I’ve done. I will love the Redskins even if they never have another winning season.

But when they DO get better someday (Come on God, DC needs this!), my fellow REAL fans and I are going to be far happier about it than any of the bandwagon fans could ever be.

And if we win against the Cowboys, even better.