Texas is out. Canada is in.

I know that you typically get three strikes before you’re out in baseball and the criminal justice system, but in certain cases, like the state of Texas, I think two strikes are MORE than enough chances.

Unlike Delaware, Texas won’t be the FIRST state that I eliminate from the Union when I take over the world, but it is on the list.


Why not?

Seriously though, Texas has had two strikes SO offensive that it no longer deserves statehood.

The first is obviously the Dallas Cowboys. The Cowboys are a team that you either love or hate. There is no ambivalence there. It’s not like the Jets or the Colts, whom I can’t be bothered to either like or dislike. Everyone who is not a Cowboys fan HATES them with a passion so intense that it makes their love for their own teams seem insignificant.

Now, in a sense, this is actually a good thing. Because hating the Cowboys is a hugely unifying factor that easily bridges racial, gender, political, and religious divides. But the people who call them “America’s Team,” are such a divisive element in our society that they are causing a rift in the entire country. I think there would be less animosity in our country overall if the Cowboys just weren’t part of it.

The second strike is equally obvious and shockingly even MORE offensive than the Cowboys.

In fact, it’s so notorious that you only need one letter of the alphabet to identify the second strike.


Do I really need to explain this one? He royally screwed up our country, may not have won legitimately in the first place, got us involved in this ridiculous situation in Iraq (which had NOTHING to do with 9/11, no matter how many connections he tried to draw there), and left the economy in shambles Louis XIV style, then left his replacement to be blamed for the mess when the deluge eventually came. Look it up. Louis XIV knew France was messed up, and he knew the kings after him were going to be in trouble. But he knew his system would hold out until he was gone, so he didn’t care. (Thanks Mr. Y.) Hmmm… which of our leaders does THAT sound like?

And technically, I think you could argue that George W. Bush was actually the state’s third strike, because JFK was assassinated in Texas too.

I see no reason to give Texas another strike. It’s time to call them out NOW.

But, like I did with Delaware, I have a solution to this problem. No need to change a flag or anything like that.

We’ll cut them out of the United States and replace them with Canada. Texas can form its own country or join Mexico. (If Mexico will have them. Which they probably won’t after all the fuss Texas has made about trying to keep Mexicans out of their state. I mean, I wouldn’t want Texas if I were Mexico. I don’t even want them in my country now.)  And if Mexico DOES take Texas in, they could be called Texaco.  They’d even get corporate sponsorship.  It’s perfect.

Canada is much nicer than Texas. No gun control issues up there. Marijuana laws that make California look strict. Universal healthcare that works. Canada brings a lot more to the table than Texas ever did.

But Sara, Canada is its own country, Canada doesn’t WANT to join the US.

Too bad. I’ve already claimed it. When I take over, it’s a done deal.

Besides, it’s not REALLY its own country. Like it’s KINDA its own country, but they still consider themselves loyal to the British monarchy. How independent can they really be? Plus they aren’t exactly known as a military force.

Sorry Canada, but you’d surrender to us faster than the French in a World War—which is hard to do.

And the British aren’t going to be able to help you. They may be America’s oldest enemy, but that doesn’t mean they’d take us to save you.

But again, because I’m a fair and responsible ruler of the world, I will take the parts of Canadian government that work well and incorporate them into US law.

See? Everyone wins. And then we can all work on fighting our common enemy together.


 It’s going to be awesome when I rule the world.

There is NOTHING worse than a Washingtonian who likes the Cowboys. NOTHING.

I know I said in an earlier posting that the worst kind of football fans are the bandwagon fans (particularly the girls who like the Ravens because they have purple jerseys), but I was wrong. There is a group worse than the bandwagon fans.

This particular sick, twisted, unholy contingent deserves to be wiped from the face of the earth. Or at the very least, shut up in a cave somewhere until football season ends.


I’m talking about the DC area Cowboys fans.

We all know some of them. And they are the lowest of the low. There is nothing worse than someone who lives in DC and supports our mortal enemy. It would be like a University of Maryland student liking Duke. There’s just something unnatural and wrong about anyone who would do that.

Now, there is ONE exception to this rule: if you are actually FROM Dallas, then I have no issue with you. You’re allowed to like the Cowboys in that one case. I’ll still hate your guts, but not QUITE as much as I hate the native Washingtonians who like the Cowboys.

I have several theories on how this group of people, to be known from here on out as Jackass Traitors*, came to exist.

*I’m only calling them Jackass Traitors on the blog to be polite. What I REALLY call them probably should not appear in print.

Theory number 1: These sad, pathetic individuals received no love from their parents in childhood, and therefore, like children who act up in school, never learned the difference between bad attention and good attention. So by becoming fans of the Devil’s Team (I don’t care what anyone says, they’re NOT “America’s Team.” If you believe that, the Taliban wins.), they get attention from people around them. True, it’s in the form of hatred and scorn, but it’s still attention. 

Theory number 2: They were dropped on their heads as babies. Sad. But it would explain it.

Theory number 3: They are part of a covert terrorist operation designed to cause chaos and unrest in our nation’s capital. Think about it. It makes a lot of sense. Al Qaida plants a few hundred Cowboy “fans” in the DC area, then sits back and laughs as we focus our attention on trying to destroy them instead of paying attention to whatever terrorist plot is going on in the Middle East. You hear that Bin Laden? I’m onto you!

Theory number 4: They have no souls. Like ginger kids. If you have no soul, then you have no reason to be loyal to your home team.

I’m not sure which reason is responsible for the Jackass Traitors who seek to destroy the unity of the DC area, but what I DO know is that when I see those blue jerseys with that stupid star on them in my hometown, I’m filled with a murderous rage. And I know I’m not the only one.

So as the first game of the season approaches, all of you DC area Cowboys fans should be warned: if any of you jerks are wearing Cowboys jerseys tomorrow, it’s going to look like a scene out of 28 Days Later. Because the rest of my fellow Redskins fans and I WILL have the rage virus if we have to look at that.

Go Skins!