I’ve found my dream job: Charlie Sheen’s intern. If I get it, I’ll DEFINITELY be #WINNING

I recently applied for the best summer job in the world. Well, okay, I guess the SECOND best summer job in the world, because the position of Bruce Springsteen’s wife is filled. So I had to settle for applying to be Charlie Sheen’s Social Media Intern.

What does that mean?

Well… um… it means… hmm… I have no idea. But I know it’d be awesome. Because as I understand it, I’d basically be getting paid to talk about how great Charlie Sheen is these days. And I’m doing that for free now, and they say the BEST careers are when you can get paid for doing what you love.

And Charlie, I do love you. Way more than is probably normal or healthy. I mean, it’s been a couple of weeks since #winning and #tigerblood entered our vocabulary (and yes, the hash tag is necessary. Without it, you’re not using officially licensed Charlie Sheen language. And who wants a knockoff Charlie Sheen? No one, that’s who. I mean, in theory, John Stamos COULD play the part on Two and a Half Men. But he’s Uncle Jesse. Not Charlie Sheen. It’s not like when they replaced Darren on Bewitched and no one really noticed. People will notice with Charlie gone), and not only do I not know how we would live without these terms, I’m not even a little sick of Charlie Sheen. Which is how I know it’s love.

Of course, he’s actually a far more prolific actor than most people give him credit for. Did you know that he’s starred in some of the greatest movies of all time without even taking credit for his parts? It’s true. Because that’s just the kind of guy Charlie Sheen is. I mean, YOU thought he was just a crazy, drugged-out, prostitute-loving alcoholic. Which just shows how ignorant you truly are.

Luckily, I’m here to enlighten you.

For example, did you know that Charlie starred in three of the four Indiana Jones movies? No, he didn’t transform into Harrison Ford or anything like that. But without Charlie Sheen’s role in the movies, Indiana Jones could never have succeeded.

Don’t believe me? Here’s the proof. Watch this scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Did you spot Charlie?

That’s right, HE is what is actually contained inside the Ark of the Covenant! Think about it—what melts faces? Only one thing I can think of, and that’s Charlie Sheen.

And in fact, George Lucas loved Charlie’s work so much that he hired him again for Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. In this scene, Indiana jones drinks water and is fine. The bad guy, however, drinks from a cup that was secretly coated with—yes, you guessed it! Charlie Sheen. Therefore, his face melts.

He chose poorly?  Understatement of the year, dude.  If the Indiana Jones movies have taught us nothing else, it’s that Nazis are NOT prepared to handle Charlie Sheen.

Then, many years later, when they decided to make Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, they realized that they HAD to hire Charlie Sheen again. Because the only movie that they didn’t put Charlie in, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, kinda sucked compared to the others. I mean, it was okay. But it didn’t have Charlie Sheen. Meaning that it was automatically NOT #winning. So at the end of the fourth movie, when the aliens give all of the knowledge to Cate Blanchett, what they’re REALLY giving her is Charlie Sheen. Which results in—say it with me now—face melting!

(I wanted to put the clip here.  But embedding is disabled.  Damn you, George Lucas!  You ruin everything!  But click here to see Cate Blanchett’s face melt on YouTube.)

But that’s only a small percentage of Charlie Sheen’s uncredited appearances in movies. Remember the briefcase in Pulp Fiction? It had that gold glow, but we never saw what was in it.

The reason? Because it was Charlie Sheen! And if we saw what was in it—pure, unfiltered, genuine Charlie Sheen—our faces would melt and our children would weep over our exploded bodies. And while Quentin Tarantino likes to shock people, if he caused his entire audience to melt/explode, who would see his other movies? Well played, Mr. Tarantino. Well played.

Of course, not everything Charlie has done in Hollywood has been as beneficial as his performance in these films. I’m pretty sure that it was exposure to Charlie that caused Robert Redford to look like his face has started melting.

Why him, Charlie? He looked so good when he was young!

Why did you have to melt HIS face? I mean, I guess it’s not YOUR fault, it’s Robert Redford’s, for not being able to resist the awesomeness that is Charlie Sheen. I get it. He’s not the first one to suffer from loving you too much. And I doubt he’ll be the last.

So with that all said, why should you hire me to be your Social Media Intern for the summer?

Well aside from my belief that you deserve recognition for all of the work you’ve done in the film industry, I have lots of great ideas about how we can keep you on top so that you can continue to wave machetes on top of buildings and drink your tiger blood.

For example, we need to make an energy drink called #TigerBlood. Hash tag and all. But here’s the brilliant part: the universe has thrown a unique opportunity our way in the last few months. Four Lokos is no longer being made, leaving a hole in the energy-drink/alcohol market and YOU, Charlie Sheen, are just the man to fill it. I mean, we probably couldn’t put REAL tiger blood in the drink (the animal rights people would be all over us… damn treehuggers), but as long as it has the hash tag, everyone will know that you have approved it, and it will fly off the shelves.

I’ve got other ideas too, but I’m hesitant to post them here because I don’t want people stealing them and marketing their own non-hash-tagged version of a Tiger Blood energy drink.

So Charlie, pick me. I’ll do a great job and help you keep #winning.

Not that you need help when you have #AdonisDNA and #tigerblood. But I still want the job.

#TeamSheen all the way baby!

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Charlie Sheen: a highly addictive drug that melts faces. It’s called winning.

I have a secret obsession that, due to circumstances this week, I can no longer hide from the general public.

And it’s all Charlie Sheen’s fault.

Wait. That sounded REALLY wrong in light of his history with alcohol and women. I didn’t mean it like that. I’ve never met Charlie Sheen.

But I love him.

This may strike you as odd, because prior to this week, I had no strong feelings about Charlie Sheen at all. He was decent in Major League, and I loved his minor part in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. But other than that? I always thought he was mediocre at best.

I also should admit that I’ve never seen an episode of Two and a Half Men. I’ve heard good things about it. But never got around to watching it.

So how did I fall in love with Charlie Sheen?

Easy. I absolutely love it when celebrities go crazy. Like it’s up there for me with Springsteen shows and shoes. And when it happens, I turn into a TMZ junkie, treating Harvey Levin as my personal lord and savior and deliverer of all truly hilarious crazy celebrity information.

And this week, Charlie was the star of the crazy show.

And once I knew that Charlie Sheen was, in fact, a highly addictive drug that would melt my face off, I was addicted.  To winning.  And tiger blood.  Just like Charlie.

When ordinary people go crazy, it’s kind of sad.  But when celebrities go nuts, it’s usually for their career because of the whole any publicity is good publicity axiom. But there’s a fine line between entertaining crazy and Mel Gibson crazy. You don’t want your celebrities to be too scary. Like I wouldn’t be remotely surprised if Mel Gibson went on a killing spree. And not in the good, only killing bad guys kind of way.

Charlie Sheen, however, is the good kind of crazy. He’s probably not going to go on a murderous rampage. A misogynistic bender? Sure. A rant about the most random stuff on the planet? Absolutely. Jack Nicholson/Britney Spears-style desecration of his enemy’s car with a golf club/umbrella/baseball bat/dead raccoon, etc? That goes without saying. Randomly joining a cult and worshipping aliens? That’s next week. Killing spree? Nah. Not Charlie. That’s just not his style.

Which brings me to my list of the top ten crazy celebrities of all time. It’s a somewhat arbitrary scale, as I define “best” as being the sum total of times that the celebrity in question has been arrested plus the number of tabloid covers, multiplied by the number of divorces, multiplied to the power of the number of hookers who have come forward to talk about the celebrity, then divided by the number of stints in rehab. Then add 20 crazy points for every time the celebrity has been declared legally dead, then survived. Of course, there are other factors as well. Anti-Semitic rants add crazy points, but take away popularity points on the crazy scale. So Michael Richards, for example, doesn’t make the list, because he’s just a racist. Mel Gibson is crazy AND a racist. See the difference?

And without further ado, the list.

10—Lindsay Lohan. I almost feel bad putting her on this list. Which is why she’s ranked number ten. It’s kind of sad. She actually needs help. But she’s such a trainwreck that you can’t look away.

9—Winona Ryder. Really Winona? Did you REALLY need to shoplift? I mean, okay, you haven’t had any decent movies in awhile, but come on. If Johnny Depp had to get a tattoo of your name covered up, you don’t need to shoplift. But I was all in favor of keeping her out of jail. Because if she’s in jail, she can’t entertain me with crazy antics. Free Winona!

8—Tom Cruise. Okay, admittedly, his particular brand of crazy is getting old. But he put a face on the insanity of Scientology, and for that, he belongs on this list for forever and ever. I never want to see another movie he’s in, but I have to admit, I like seeing what bizarre stuff he’s up to. And because he’s hobbit-sized, he has the highest crazy-to-height ratio of anyone on this list. Not the highest crazy-to-weight ratio because Lindsay Lohan is frighteningly anorexic, but still. Fly your crazy flag as high as you can, Tom. Which in your case is about Snooki height.

7—Angelina Jolie. This may seem like an odd choice because Angelina isn’t trainwreck crazy. She doesn’t get arrested or show up ridiculously high in public. But she’s certifiable. When she married Billy Bob Thornton they wore vials of each other’s blood around their necks. Then there was the making out with her brother at the award show thing.

And the adopting 90 million kids. But she’s proof that being crazy doesn’t mean you can’t get someone as hot as Brad Pitt. She’s an inspiration to aspiring crazy people everywhere.

6—Christian Bale. Okay, I know American Psycho was just a movie. And I know that in theory he was just acting in it. And maybe he’s a fantastic actor. But the dude scares me. Seriously. If I saw him walking down the street one day, I think I’d run.

And did you see him in The Fighter? I mean, I didn’t see the movie but from the previews, he looked like Skeletor.

But he makes the list because his rant when he went nuts on a movie set was hilarious. I just hope I never meet him.

5—Kanye. I was with you when you said George W. Bush hates black people. And I agree that I’d pick Beyonce over Taylor Swift. But you’re insane. Literally. You don’t even have the alcoholic/Scientologist/super hot excuse. You’re just nuts. Which is okay, because it’s fun to hate you. Mostly because you get upset about it.

4—Robert Downey Jr. He’s actually probably the highest functioning crazy person on this list. I love his movies and he owns up to his craziness. He doesn’t deny the drugs, the booze, the rehab, or anything else. But he makes great movies and deserves to be as crazy as he wants in peace because he’s not hurting anyone. And as long as you keep being crazy in an awesome way, I will keep seeing your movies to support your addictions/insanity.

3—Britney Spears. Do I need to explain? Didn’t think so.

2—Marlon Brando. How does he rank so high? Easy. He wasn’t acting in Apocalypse Now. They hired Marlon Brando expecting Stanley Kowalski to show up on the set.

And instead, Marlon showed up in the jungle bald, fat, and completely insane. What’s not to love?

1—Mel Gibson. Okay, okay, I shouldn’t be amused by Mel Gibson’s insanity. I am, after all, Jewish, and he’s made it pretty clear that he hates my people. But that’s why I like him. Because he’s SO insane that his hatred of Jews actually makes us look better. So on behalf of my people, thank you Mel Gibson. Keep up the good work.

So Charlie, I’ve appreciated the amusement you’ve provided in the last couple of weeks, and you’re doing a great job. But you’re not quite in the top ten yet. Don’t worry though. Making it onto my craziest celebrities list is just like getting to Carnegie Hall. You need to practice, practice, practice.

We’re all rooting for you Charlie. We know you can do it. It’s how you got over a million Twitter followers in like a day. It’s called winning.