The Devil Inside wasn’t scary. So here’s a list of things that are.

I like scary movies.

I’m not talking about the crazily gruesome Saw/Human Centipede variety. You couldn’t pay me to watch those.

But genuine horror movies, when done well, are awesome.

A good horror movie doesn’t just make you jump during the film—it does that too, don’t get me wrong—but a REALLY good horror movie will keep you scared LONG after you leave the theater. If you’re not cowering under the covers with the lights on for a week, the movie didn’t do its job.

Stephen King is, of course, the master of horror. The movies of his books didn’t really scare me, but I’m still haunted by some of his creations. I first read The Shining when I was twelve years old, and to this day, I STILL have to turn on the lights when I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night to make sure that the chick from the bathtub in room 217 isn’t in MY bathtub.

Paranormal Activity didn’t scare me THAT much until my calendar fell off the wall about an hour after watching it. But it succeeded because I definitely debated putting baby powder around my bed to see if a demon stepped in it that night, and made Rosie sleep on the outside of the bed, just so the demon would eat her first.

The same thing happened with The Ring. I wasn’t particularly scared at the time. But when I fell asleep with the tv on a week later and woke up that night to snow on the screen, then realized it was EXACTLY seven days after I’d watched the movie, I went diving into my roommate’s room and insisted on sleeping in her bed. Turns out the cable was just out, but I wasn’t taking any chances!

But there’s nothing worse than a failure of a horror movie.

Trust me. I know from experience.

Because I saw The Devil Inside Friday night and it was the second worst movie-going experience of my life. The first being having to watch the anal rape scene in The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo sitting between my mother and grandmother on Christmas day. Seriously. It was up there with THAT level of bad.

The problem? There wasn’t a single truly scary moment in the whole movie.

Literally, the scariest thing that happened in it was when the characters walk past a fenced-in yard and a dog jumps out and starts barking from behind the fence.

I’m not kidding.

And considering that the previews looked super-scary, I don’t understand how it can have epic-failed as much as it did.

People in the theater actually booed when it ended. I’ve never seen that happen before.

I could summarize all of the reasons why it completely sucked, but I’m not even going to dignify the movie with that level of description. Instead, I’m going to give you a list of things that scare me MORE than The Devil Inside.

1. Stink bugs—I almost crashed my car on four separate occasions when I noticed stink bugs in my car. MUCH scarier than that movie.

2. ET—That little alien scares the crap out of me. I mean, he appears to me made of brown leather, his heart glows, he hides in your closet and eats all of the Reese’s Pieces. NOT okay.

3. Twilight fans—these tweens are going to be running the world someday. Be afraid.

4. Joan Rivers’ face—do I need to explain this one?

5. Lady Gaga—I like her. I do. But I’m also scared of her.

6. Peeing on the third rail of the Metro—granted, I’m a girl and would have to literally be right on top of it to try this, and I have no intention of ever doing it. But if you really COULD get electrocuted from peeing on it, that’s scary as hell.

7. Cats—pure unadulterated evil. Except the ones that look like Hitler. They’re ok in my book.

8. Walt Disney’s frozen head—okay, say they find a cure for whatever killed him and bring him back. He’s just going to be a semi-defrosted head. I think if you’re dead, you need to stay dead. And if you’re frozen, STAY FROZEN.

9. The MVA—Call me sheltered if you will, but I never realized the scum of humanity that exists until I went to renew my driver’s license. I’d stay in the Overlook all alone for the winter over going back there, ANY day.

10. Those condoms that are advertised as being 40 percent thinner—I don’t know about you, but when it comes to something that’s supposed to be protection against AIDS, less is NOT more. I feel like if you use those, to quote Mean Girls, you WILL get pregnant and die.

11. The old ladies who walk around buck naked in the gym locker room—Like okay, I understand you need to change your clothes in there. But do you need to dry your hair naked? Or try to have a conversation with me? It’s disturbing!

12. The lion and tiger habitats at the zoo—every once in awhile, you hear those stories about the jungle cats just deciding to leap over the wall. And I know they can. So the lesson here is, do NOT taunt the tigers. They CAN eat you if they want to.

13. Walmart—I’ve never been there and I have no intention of going there. But looking at peopleofwalmart.com means that I know Walmart is scarier than that movie was.

14. The Loch Ness Monster.

15. Pennies–No, they’re not scary. But neither was The Devil Inside.  Then again, my brother swallowed one once.  So next time you’re handing a penny, just remember, someone might have pooped that out before you touched it.  Come to think of it, that’s pretty scary.  And gross.

16. The fact that someone actually green-lit this idiocy of a script and MADE THIS MOVIE. Seriously. Our society has reached an all-time low point now.

All I can say is the The Woman in Black better be actually scary, despite starring Harry Potter. Because I’m planning to see that one, and if it’s even half as bad as The Devil Inside, the creators of those movies are going to have something REALLY scary to fear.

Me.

Because I want a refund on both the money AND the time I wasted watching that crap.

When ostriches, ducks, and deer attack… ME!

In theory, I agree that we should be working as a society to keep animals from becoming extinct. That commercial with the polar bear on the little tiny piece of ice makes me incredibly sad and makes me want to give all my money to save them. And those Sarah McLaughlin Humane Society ads literally make me cry.

Until they show the cats.

Because I REALLY hate cats.

I can see where, on paper, cats look like great pets. You don’t have to take them out like you do with dogs, and if you’re going away for a few days, as long as you leave out extra food and water, the cat will be fine.

On paper, they’re the perfect pets.

But that doesn’t take into account the fact that they are completely and utterly evil and disgusting. And even though I love pictures of the cats that look like Hitler, I feel like in real life, I would still hate them. 

In fact, I have to admit that except for schnauzers (which are the cutest dogs on the planet. I don’t care how cute you think your pet dog/cat/iguana/dung beetle is, Rosie is cuter and you’re just in denial), I’m not an animal person.

I don’t HATE animals. (Except for cats and bugs, which I do believe should be forced to go the way of the dinosaurs.) I’m just very wary of them. Because they hate me.

Need proof?

Don’t worry, I’ve got plenty.

Contrary to popular belief, my first sentence was not, “I want to go shoe shopping,” or “I love you, Bruce Springsteen.” Although I do think those were my second and third complete sentences.) It was, “Duck bite hand.”  (Clearly, I wasn’t yet the grammar Nazi as I hadn’t mastered past tense, but in the subject-verb-object sense, it was a complete sentence.)

And it was true. When I was about a year and a half, my parents took me to “Old McDonald’s Farm” in Wheaton Regional Park. Which I think means I got off lucky that the duck only bit me. Because apparently even the ducks go hard in Wheaton. The ducks there today are armed.  I’m telling you, watch out for those Wheaton ducks. They may LOOK sweet and innocent, but they’re vicious.

But despite being the victim of a duck attack, I still liked animals. Until a year later. When I developed my lifelong fear of ostriches.

And I know I explained earlier this week that some things in my blog are exaggerated, this one isn’t. It actually happened. And is one of my earliest memories (although my very earliest was of going to see Snow White in the theater and freaking out when the dwarves came on. In all fairness, singing dwarves with pickaxes ARE pretty creepy. I think more people SHOULD have worried about a Snow White being all alone with seven creepy little men).

When I was two and a half, an ostrich STOLE MY LUNCH.

We were at the gated lunch area at a petting zoo, but apparently someone left the gate open. I was sitting next to my mom and across the picnic table from my dad. My mom pulled out my peanut butter and jelly sandwich—here’s how vividly I remember this: it was crunchy peanut butter with strawberry jelly on that awesome Pepperidge Farm cinnamon-raisin swirl bread, cut into four squares. She put three of the squares on top of the ziplock baggie for me to eat. I was about to pick up the first of the squares when this massive, eight-foot tall, evil, THING comes over to our table and, inches in front of me, swoops down and in three quick pecks, eats my sandwich!

Ostriches are serious jerks. I mean, you don’t take someone’s peanut butter and jelly on cinnamon-raisin swirl bread sandwich. You just don’t. But you also don’t mess with a bird that’s five feet taller than you. Even if they’re not from Wheaton.

Birds aren’t the only creatures that come after me (although one did give me a not-so-nice new-car present the day I bought my car. When I had the top down. Most birds crap ON a new car. This bird crapped IN mine).

I’m pretty sure I’m the only one on the planet who has had a deer run into them, not while driving, but while jogging.

(Although apparently I’m not alone because I DID find this picture.)

Normally, deer avoid people like I now avoid ostriches. They see one and take off running in the opposite direction. But no. A deer sees me out running with headphones on and thinks I’m an easy target. Then again, that happened in College Park, so I’m pretty sure the deer was actually trying to rob me. And it barely clipped me, because I used my cat-like reflexes to trip and flail wildly while falling into the ditch next to the path when I noticed the deer coming at me.

My run-ins with the animal world have made me super cautious. For example, I’m terrified of sharks and alligators. Which might sound odd, because I’m NOT particularly scared of lions, tigers, or bears (oh my).

But there’s a good reason for that. I stay out of the woods at all costs, and the odds of me being on an African savannah where a lion or tiger would find and eat me are pretty slim. The odds of me being in the ocean (where sharks live), however, are pretty high. And the odds of me being Florida (where alligators live), are even higher. Why? Because I love Disney World AND beaches.

And if anyone is going to die in a freak alligator or shark attack, it’s probably going to be me.

At least I now know that there are no alligators in my toilet, thanks to Snopes.com. However, the website doesn’t say anything about ostriches hiding in my closet, man-eating ducks under my bed, or alligators ringing my doorbell.

And according to old school Saturday Night Live, sharks are crafty and will impersonate delivery men.

So just to be safe, I always look for ostriches before eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. You can’t be too cautious. Because an ostrich will fight you for peanut butter and jelly. And trust me, you do NOT want to fight an ostrich.

Does the flu shot make you sick? Was Mr. Ed a zebra? Snopes knows the answers!

Yesterday, I ventured into the CVS Minute Clinic to get a flu shot. While I won’t bore you with the specifics (like how it never actually takes a minute and I always feel like the other people sitting there waiting are riddled with diseases that they’re just dying to spread to me), it was overall a relatively painless procedure.

What wasn’t painless, however, was TELLING people that I was going to get a flu shot after school.

Because it seems that 99.9999 percent of the population still thinks that you get the flu when you get a flu shot. And trying to tell the flu shot disparagers that that’s an urban legend is pointless. Because they all either think it happened to them or they think it happened to someone they know.

It didn’t.

That theory doesn’t even make sense. By that logic, when you get the smallpox vaccine, you’d get smallpox. And smallpox has been eradicated. (For the vocabulary-challenged people out there, that means smallpox has gone bye-bye. Forever.)

But telling people that the flu shot doesn’t give you the flu is an utterly lost cause. So instead, I direct them to one of my two favorite websites in the world: http://www.snopes.com/.

Snopes is the urban legend website, and it is truly one of the best things that the internet has brought us (primarily because I firmly believe that Facebook and Twitter are ruining the world, but I’ll talk about that another day).

I could literally spend days on Snopes. It has everything under the sun on there and is WAY more reliable than Wikipedia (because I can’t edit it to say that I’m married to Bruce Springsteen like I can on Wikipedia… which I do once a year to show my journalism kids that you can’t trust Wikipedia. Sorry, Patti. I DO always change it back immediately though. And I only vandalize Wikipedia for educational purposes!)

Get a sappy email about a kid with cancer who needs your help? Look it up on Snopes. It’s fake. Get one warning you about gang members killing people who flash their brights on the highway? Fake. Snopes says so. Alligators in the sewers? Nope. Never happened. Find a picture of a ridiculously giant catfish that you KNOW is photoshopped?

Guess what? It’s REAL! It just wasn’t found where the email says it was. But literally. That fish IS that big. Scary stuff! (Although after seeing that picture, no one is ever going to doubt that guy’s penis size. Just saying…)

I use Snopes constantly to prove people wrong. Mostly because I have a horrible habit of not letting something go when I know I’m right. (What can I say? I hate ignorance. It’s probably why I’m a teacher.) It’s how I tried to prove to my brother that Walt Disney is NOT actually cryogenically frozen (although he still doesn’t believe me. Apparently there’s no amount of proof on the planet that will convince him that Walt Disney’s head isn’t in a freezer somewhere).

But I think my favorite thing about Snopes isn’t the fact that it lets me show off my superior knowledge and research skills every time my grandma sends me an email warning me about something that happened to a friend of a friend of a friend of hers that I desperately NEED to watch out for.

My favorite thing is the “Lost Legends” section. If you haven’t played on this site, go check that part out before you read further. I’ll wait.

Seriously. Go look at the Mr. Ed one. Did you know he was actually a zebra?

I know, it sounds nuts. But Snopes has the inside scoop.  It had something to do with the early black and white filming process.

Don’t read further until you’ve looked at that.

Spoilers are coming.

You’ve been warned.

No, Mr. Ed wasn’t a zebra! How dumb do you feel if you believed that? I mean, come on, a zebra? REALLY?

But Sara, Snopes said it and you said they know everything! That’s not fair.

That’s the whole reason I love Snopes. All of the “Lost Legends” are fake. There’s a full explanation here, but the basic gist of it is that the creators of Snopes are trying to make the point that you shouldn’t believe everything you read on the internet. Did you learn your lesson? I mean, Snopes is legit, but did you REALLY, even for a MINUTE, think that Mr. Ed was a zebra? Gullible much?

There is, however, one website that is better than Snopes. There are some that are ALMOST as good (like www.venganza.org/, which is the official website for the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Love it!), but only ONE website is actually better.

Yes.

I’m talking about http://www.catsthatlooklikehitler.com/.

BEST. WEBSITE. EVER. EVER! (Yes, that one had to go in a bigger font. Just to make sure you understand the awesomeness of Cats That Look Like Hitler.)

First of all, the fact that anyone even came up with this site is genius. Second, look at the cats! They actually LOOK LIKE HITLER! Which helps to prove my theory that cats are evil, anti-Semitic, and out to destroy the world. But really, I could look at this site over and over and over again.

But this site actually proves something that even Snopes couldn’t disprove (because it turns out to be true). Cats are wrong. Hitler is wrong. But when you combine those two particular wrongs, they create something SO right.

Because no matter how much I hate cats, I just can’t hate them when they look like Hitler. And they do. A lot.

Catsthatlooklikehitler.com = genius. Pure and simple. If you’re the person who created it, call me. I think we should be friends. Partially because I have a dog that looks like Einstein. But mostly because your site is my favorite thing on the internet.

Well, okay, that’s not ENTIRELY true. It’s my favorite website.

My favorite thing on the internet is this video.

Cats That Look Like Hitler come in a close second though. And Snopes is third.