My favorite Tweeters (or are they called twits?): Lord Voldemort and Batman

While enjoying my day off yesterday, I spent a little while looking at Twitter.

I’m still a Twitter newbie and therefore don’t use it as well as I probably should to promote my blog/book, and I have a bunch of my students following me, so I have to keep it clean or risk being hauled into my principal’s office to explain whatever mildly off-color joke I made or re-tweeted.

I have a couple of favorite people who I follow on Twitter. For example, I follow most of the cast of Jersey Shore. Because they’re ridiculous. And I follow Jessica Simpson. Because she’s an idiot (but I love her shoes).

And Steve Martin. Because he’s hilarious. But there are two Twitter users (twits?) that stand out as so far and away above everyone else on Twitter.

And no, Bruce Springsteen isn’t one of them. (Shocking, I know. If he was actually the one tweeting from his account, he probably would be. But it’s one of his lackeys instead.)

My two favorites are Lord Voldemort and Batman.

I know, I know, these seem like odd choices. I’m not obsessed with Harry Potter and I didn’t even see The Dark Knight until it was on cable (not even on-demand. Like regular premium cable). But whoever the people are that are running these two pages, they’re geniuses.

Don’t believe me? Check out these tweets:

 
Miley Cyrus’ mom had an affair with Bret Michaels. I think I can speak for both the Death Eaters & the world when I say: ew.
Demi Lovato’s in rehab. Why hasn’t Disney caught on that they suck? Lindsay, Britney, Demi etc. I bet Mickey Mouse is a closet crack addict.

Lord_Voldemort7: BREAKING NEWS: the vast number of Katy Perry, Ke$ha & Twilight vampire costumes has created a world shortage of glitter & excess of shame!

Lord_Voldemort7: Couple names are stupid as hell. Really tweens? “Jashley”? It’s not even combing names, it’s Ashley with a j. You “fsuck”. Guess that combo.

Lord_Voldemort7: #thingswomenshouldstopdoing Tiger Woods.

Lord_Voldemort7: Jessica Rabbit proves people will only like Gingers if they’re hot girls. Sucks for you, Weasleys.

Lord_Voldemort7:”All that glitters is not gold” True. Sometimes it’s morons pretending to be vampires.

Lord_Voldemort7: People are always asking me to kill their friends. Listen, if you want them murdered, you’re not really friends.

Granted, a few of those only make sense if you’ve read the Harry Potter books and/or the Twilight books (which it turns out Lord Voldemort hates more than Harry Potter. Go figure). But having read all of those books (and kinda agreeing with Voldemort about Twilight being ridiculous), I love all of his tweets. I sort of wonder if it’s ACTUALLY JK Rowling who owns that page. I feel like that would be the only thing that would make it MORE hilarious.

Whoever is running Batman’s page branches out further though. He and Voldemort BOTH hate Justin Bieber with a passion. I don’t REALLY have anything against the kid except that I don’t love his music. But I do enjoy Batman hating on him. And on Robin. Who is clearly the worst sidekick ever with the POSSIBLE exception of George W. Bush (who was Cheney’s sidekick, not the other way around. The more evil one is ALWAYS the primary and the dumber one is ALWAYS the sidekick… duh).

I just discovered @God_Damn_Batman on Twitter the other day, but he’s already become my absolute favorite. Here’s why:

God_Damn_Batman: Tomorrow you will vote. The symbol you need right now isn’t a Donkey. Or an Elephant. It’s a Bat. Wearing body armor.

God_Damn_Batman: Going to spend Halloween the way I do every year. Beating the crap out of kids dressed as Joker. They learn a life lesson. I get candy.

God_Damn_Batman: Disappeared while Gordon was still talking. And left behind a flaming bag of poo. Happy Halloween, Commissioner.

God_Damn_Batman: Jersey Shore finale tonight. THANK GOD. So sick of hearing Alfred complain about scrubbing spray tan out of Robin’s uniform.

God_Damn_Batman: Gotham has more gargoyles per capita than any other city in the world. But not a single Chipotle? FAIL.

God_Damn_Batman: Robin has mysteriously started skipping patrols Tuesday nights. Either he’s working a contact for intel or Glee is back on.

God_Damn_Batman: My sensei once taught me the forbidden “Dim-Mak Death Touch.” I never considered using it. Until I saw The Situation.

God_Damn_Batman: Thinking of replacing Robin with a grizzly bear in spandex. Sure it would be a tactical disaster but Riddler’s expression would be worth it.

God_Damn_Batman: New idea for a TV show. It’s called “Gotham Shore.” Basically the same as Jersey Shore except I shatter the cast’s kneecaps.

God_Damn_Batman: I have two recurring nightmares. 1. My parents’ murder. 2. Being trapped in Arkham, forced to watch Jersey Shore.

God_Damn_Batman Caught Robin lifting his shirt and pointing at his abs in the mirror. Not sure what he meant by “The Situation”, but I’m canceling cable.

I want Batman and Voldemort to have a Twitter fight. I’m pretty sure Batman would win because Voldemort got defeated by a 17-year-old wizard with glasses (and was defeated by the same kid the first time when Harry was a baby). But the sarcastic exchanges would be awesome.  So Batman and Voldemort, if you’re reading this (and I do plan to tweet it to them), please follow each other and fight. Because I could really use some cheering up right now.

Why?

Because according to Twitter, the Situation now has a book deal.

Yes. This guy.

He’s such a jerk that he even has the shape of a dick between his abs.  I didn’t photoshop that.  It’s real. 

I’m not even sure he can read. And HE has a book deal.

And I don’t.

If that doesn’t belong on Fmylife.com, I don’t know what does.

I don’t have a joke to go with that.  But please go tell everyone you know to buy my book so that I can hopefully get a real book deal before the Situation’s book comes out.  Because like the Fail Whale, this is just super depressing.

I have the best dog in the world… but she’s an evil super genius.

Anyone who knows me can tell you that I’m obsessed with three things. Shoes, Bruce Springsteen, and my dog, Rosie.

Well I already wrote about shoes, and I pretty much wrote a book about loving Bruce (Literally. Beyond the Palace. Go buy it. It’s awesome even if you don’t like Bruce. I promise), so it’s time to talk about Rosie (whose name is short for Rosalita, and she likes to eat my shoes, so she does tie in to my other two big obsessions as well).

One of my biggest fears was always that I might someday turn into a crazy cat lady. You know, those old women who live with a million cats that they call their babies (and which, on The Simpsons at least, they use as projectile weapons).

This fear was compounded by the fact that I hate cats. A lot. Like more than I hate people who can’t tell the difference between “your” and “you’re” and the Cowboys put together. Therefore, to become a cat lady would truly be a fate worse than death.

About a year and a half ago, I decided to take matters into my own hands and avoid the cat lady destiny by getting a dog. I’d had a miniature schnauzer growing up and wanted another one.

When I told my parents about this plan, my dad laughed at me for about ten minutes, then finally said, “You can’t even keep a plant alive! What makes you think you could handle a dog?”

(It’s true. I can’t keep a plant alive. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I water them, I talk to them, I even name them. My favorite was named Robert. Robert Plant. Get it? Although I got a LOT of weird looks from people when I told them that I’d killed Robert Plant. And explaining that it was an ACTUAL plant, not the guy from Led Zepplin didn’t make people think I was any less bizarre. Oh well. I just don’t tell people that I stuck a sheet of paper on the wall next to Robert and named it Jimmy.)

But despite my dad’s objections, I stuck to my guns and got Rosie.

And quickly realized that I knew NOTHING about dogs. The last time I had a puppy, I was a year old. And I didn’t realize just how much puppies enjoy peeing on the rug. Or that when they throw up, they eat it. Fun stuff like that.

Of course, Rosie also turned out to be an evil super genius.

For a while there, I pictured her internal monologue as sounding like Stewie from Family Guy, because she made several attempts to kill me.

We would take naps together and I would wake up as she was lunging for my throat. She’s also taken the bathmat and bathroom rug out of the bathroom while I was showering, in a clear attempt at matricide.

She grew out of that phase pretty quickly. Then she entered her Houdini period. Rosie can somehow escape from anything. She can get out of her locked crate with no trouble at all (and eventually made locking it impossible by chewing the door out of shape. See? She’s smart). I used to keep her babygated in the kitchen while I was at work. But after a couple of weeks of that, every time I came home, she was sitting on the sofa.

And one time when I came home, she was in the kitchen, but she had somehow managed to leave me a little present in the dining room. Meaning one of three things: 1) she got out, pooped on the rug, then climbed back over the babygate into the kitchen to look innocent, 2) some other dog broke into my house, pooped in the dining room, then left, or 3) Rosie can throw poop. All three of those scenarios worry me.

I finally gave up on the babygate situation.

Her next phase was quite a test for me as her mother, but I hope that I passed it, because I accept her no matter who she is.

Which I’m pretty sure is a lesbian.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

But I first got suspicious when she ate several holes in the carpet.

Next she started trying to eat my underwear. Like she literally ate a hole in my laundry hamper to get to them.

Then she became a peeping tom. Whenever I take a shower, I hear a little rustling sound, and then this cute little face peeks around the shower curtain at me. Which would be much cuter if I didn’t get the feeling that she was doing that because I’m naked.

She’s also been known to hump boy dogs. We had a little talk about the birds and the bees after she started doing that, but it doesn’t seem to have stopped the problem.

Rosie also seems confused about what type of animal a schnauzer is. She likes to lie on the back of the sofa and lick her paws like a cat. She won’t walk over a grate and eats grass like a cow. She likes to pounce on her stuffed animals and rip their throats out like a lion. And she walks on her hind legs a fair bit like a person.  She also does a pretty good impression of Batman.

But I think there’s a good reason for her confusion. She looks exactly like my dad.

They have the same beard. They make the same faces.

And he’s her favorite person in the world, which I think is because she thinks that HE is, in fact, a giant schnauzer and that she will look like him when she grows up. Which is entirely possible. Because I think she looks like him now.

I think my favorite thing about Rosie though (other than how cute she is!), is that she has a favorite tv show. House. She hears the theme music and comes running into the room, jumps on the sofa, and watches intently for the full hour. And God help the person who tries to shut it off while she’s watching. The cable went out one time during a rerun, and she bit me.

Not that I blame her. Hugh Laurie IS pretty freaking awesome.