I hate FiOS… Comcast, baby PLEASE come home!

Dear Comcast,

Well, you said I’d be sorry for leaving you for FiOS, and you were right. This isn’t easy for me to say. I’m not used to crawling back to my exes. But I was wrong to leave you. I miss you, and I want you back.

When you first moved into Cable TV Montgomery’s old building in my neighborhood, I didn’t really notice much difference between you and CTM.  Sorry, I’m just being honest.  I was a kid—what did I know?

But I definitely remember running into you again in college. When you got to the University of Maryland, you were the biggest deal around, which is saying a lot considering we were there when the Terps won the NCAA basketball championship!

Everyone wanted you, and I was the one who was lucky enough to get you. I still remember how special I felt when we would spend time in my dorm room together. We made everyone who still had aluminum foil covered rabbit ears on their televisions so jealous.

Our relationship weathered some incredibly difficult times. You were there with me through September 11—I remember how I felt when you told me what had happened, but you were there with me that whole awful day, reassuring me that it would all be okay. Don’t think that my leaving meant that I didn’t appreciate any of that. I do. And I always will.

I know that you were shocked when I told you it was over between us. Please know that it wasn’t that you did anything wrong specifically. We were fine together. But by the time I left you, we had been together so long that it felt like the spark was gone. And I’m not going to lie, you really hurt me when I wanted us to move to Xfinity together, and you told me that you weren’t ready for that.

If I’m being totally honest, that’s what sent me into the arms of FiOS. You and I had been together for over ten years, and I felt like you weren’t ready to commit to taking that next step with me. And if you weren’t ready then, I felt like you wouldn’t ever be ready. And I didn’t want to spend my whole life waiting for something that wasn’t going to happen.

That’s when I met FiOS. I wasn’t looking to leave; FiOS just showed up at my door one day. Literally. It came knocking at my door, promising me all the things that you weren’t giving me. Fiber Optic speed. More high definition programming. A multi-room DVR. Lower prices than you had. And a commitment to all of that, right away, when after ten years, you still couldn’t give me that. I mean, you didn’t even have Comedy Central in HD. I felt like you were never going to change.

When FIOS and I first got together, I thought I was so happy. Everything felt perfect. I should have known better though. When something seems too good to be true, it usually is.

And in this case, it definitely was. The honeymoon ended quickly. FiOS had much higher fees than I’d been led to believe, and my bill was more than it ever was with you. But I stuck with it anyway, because I still thought I was getting what I wanted.

And imagine how hurt I was when I saw that right after I left, you went to Xfinity with other people! Ten years with me, and a month after I leave, you’re doing THAT? Well, I had no intention of coming back to you after I heard that.

I did see your Xfinity a few times though. I didn’t tell you that I saw it, because I couldn’t face you yet. But I saw. And I was so jealous, because even though I wasn’t ready to admit it, I missed you. And I wondered what was wrong with me that you couldn’t give ME Xfinity. I kept telling myself I’d made the right choice, because FiOS was giving me the things you weren’t. But that wasn’t true. And I wasn’t happy.

Last night was the final straw though. FiOS didn’t come home. Again. With no explanation, no reason, no warning. And as I sat there, with no cable, internet, or phone service, I asked myself what I was doing.

I tried calling last night to get an explanation about the sudden disappearing act. But the only answer I got was that I should wait at home from 8am today until 8pm for FiOS to come back. A twelve-hour window of waiting. And I said okay! That’s how bad the relationship had gotten. I was never a doormat like that before. And as I sat there with no distractions to prevent me from thinking about the situation, I realized that I deserve better than this. And the only time that I really GOT better treatment was when I was with you.

I don’t want to fight with you or rehash any of the problems that you and I had over the years. We were both wrong at times. But I realized something important last night: I don’t love FiOS. I don’t even LIKE FiOS. I liked the idea of FiOS, but the reality never once measured up to the image I had in my head. And in all the years I spent with you, I never felt as unappreciated as I did last night.

Comcast, I’m so sorry for the way I treated you. I should have told you what I was feeling and waited until you were ready to take the step to Xfinity with me. I know that now. And I don’t know if you can ever forgive me. But I hope you can. It’s over between me and FiOS and I wish I’d never opened my door that day. You’re the one that I want. The only one I can truly be happy with. So Comcast, baby, please, please come home.

Love,

Sara

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Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned by her cable/internet provider

Last week, I got an Apple TV and a subscription to Netflix, which (because I can buy shoes and groceries online) basically means I will never have to leave my house again.

Of course, because the universe hates me, setting the Apple TV up was NOT as easy as it should have been. According to Apple Support, (iSupport? And for that matter, why isn’t Apple TV called iTV? Actually, it’s probably better as Apple TV. iTV sounds like an STD. Like I picture a doctor talking to a patient and saying, “It’s actually quite serious. You’ve contracted iTV. You’re going to have to notify all of your past sexual partners because they could have been exposed as well.” NOT something you’d want to give as a Christmas present.) it won’t work on my TV at all without being wobbly.

Two days later, the score was my dad: 1, Apple Support: 0. Well played dad, well played.

So I was thrilled at how easily I would be able to watch movies/TV shows/all of the concert videos from my computer.

Which means that something had to go horribly, horribly wrong. Because like the course of true love, my life never runs smooth.

Thank you Verizon Fios, for stepping up to the challenge of screwing everything up.

I suppose I should be grateful. Fios completely dying on me is less expensive to deal with than my TV blowing up or my surround sound amplifier catching on fire. But it’s also more annoying, because I currently have ZERO cable OR internet service.

In other words, I’ve been Amish for the past 36-48 hours, depending on when you’re reading this.

Okay, okay, not TRULY Amish. Because I still have electricity and running water and store-bought butter, and yes, TECHNICALLY I can still get on the internet VERY slowly by using my cell phone as a mobile hotspot and docking it to my computer.  So maybe more Mennonite than Amish. But whatever you call it, it flat out sucks. A lot.

I don’t think of myself as a person who watches a lot of television. I’ve got a handful of shows that I’m addicted to (at the moment, Dexter, Boardwalk Empire, House, Glee, and South Park are all set up to record the series on my dvr), but other than those, I don’t really watch anything else. I can’t stand reality shows or anything on Bravo or E!, so when the cable went out yesterday and the Fios guys told me they couldn’t get anyone out here until Friday, I figured it was a pain, but I would be okay.

About an hour after that phone call, I called Fios support back and BEGGED them to send someone out sooner. In that hour, Rosie and I had somehow regressed to a Lord of the Flies type scenario, with war paint smeared on our faces, a conch shell, spears, and a mysterious beast stalking us through my apartment.

Okay, maybe that’s a slight exaggeration. The beast didn’t show up until the second hour without TV or internet.

Luckily, the wait is almost over. In theory. Because, in theory, the Fios repair guy is supposed to show up this afternoon. In theory.

The problem is that the only window they had available was 1pm-5pm today, unless I wanted to wait until Tuesday night. And if I waited until Tuesday, I’m pretty sure that by the time they DID arrive, I’d have “No TV and no beer make Homer go crazy” scribbled all over my walls and it would look like the scene out of Apocalypse Now when they finally find Marlon Brando and he’s a fat psychopath who has enslaved all the natives. I mean, the horror. The horror.

But one to five this afternoon? Um, hello, I have a job! So I warned them that I can’t be there before three today, and I think I made myself sufficiently clear that they absolutely NEEDED to arrive AFTER three.

Which means the guy is going to call me at 1:15 to say he’s there.

And if that happens, God have mercy on everyone who works within a thirty mile radius of any Fios employee. Because I’m not going to go medieval on them. Oh no. Sorry Quentin Tarantino, but that’s not nearly scary enough. I’m going to go biblical. I’m talking darkness and locusts and smiting their first born.

It’s probably not healthy that instead of reading or working on my next book (or even getting ahead on my blog posts), I’ve been sitting here plotting my revenge against Fios for when they show up too early. But I know that’s going to happen. And while I threatened over the phone last night to go back to Comcast, I don’t really want to do that either. Because after years of suffering at the hand of Comcast, I finally freed myself from its evil empire, and I don’t want to go crawling back like a battered woman returning to her abuser again and again.

So Fios guy, if by some chance you’re reading this, I’d show up around 3:15 today if I were you. Because while William Congreve (NOT William Shakespeare, as the line is commonly misattributed to) said, “Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned,” what he MEANT to say was “Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned BY HER INTERNET AND CABLE PROVIDER.”